Snape Decided Never to Love
by emichii
Summary: Snape decided never to love. Why would you willingly give your heart away to someone so that it could be broken and hurt? What a foolish idea, he had decided. It wasn't meant to happen, it wasn't.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter! It belongs to an amazing person named JK Rowling!!

I'm actually an anime/manga fanfiction writer, so I've never written anything for another category before… but here you go! My very first Harry Potter fic, just because I adore Snape, and how tragic his unrequited love for Lily Evans was. Please read and review!

**Snape Decided Never to Love**

Snape decided never to love.

What was the point? Why give all your time, all your thoughts, all your _heart _to someone else? Why give it all away to someone else, who could so easily, so simply, tear it up to shreds and fling it away into the air, without a thought, a thousand pieces, never to be seen or put together again.

Why… would you do something like that?

She was rushing through the school corridors again, she always was. Her and her long fiery red hair trailing behind her, dashing past corners, her smile and laugh was free. She was constantly surrounded by others, never alone, not… not like him.

She was a Gryffindor.

Snape watched her from across the corridor. He was carrying his Potions and Transfiguration books, and he peeked shyly over the top of them to look at her. He was just a Slytherin, and he didn't mind it, really. It was where he belonged, right? He just wished _she _was in his house too.

He was suddenly aware of movement and sound right behind him. He didn't have time to react or turn around before he was abruptly shoved in the back.

"OI! Snivellus!!"

He was knocked into the wall and reared back from the impact, almost colliding into the Marauders themselves. James, the arrogant leader of them neatly side-stepped so that Snape went tumbling onto his backside, onto the hard floor.

They laughed.

Snape felt what seemed like tears prick at his eyes and he angrily bit his lip, began to scramble to his feet, hurriedly collecting up his books from the floor.

"Who were you looking at, eh??" James sneered as he crouched down beside him, not to help him up, but to torment him.

"Yeah!" Sirius also crouched down beside him, putting his face right next to his and his voice contemptuous. "Who is it, Snivellus, you _fancy_ someone?"

Remus was still standing up, looking off somewhat absently, head up in the clouds. Peter stood next to him, but was also snickering down at the fallen Snape.

"G-get away from me!" He tried to elbow them, one at each side, but there were two of them and they grabbed his elbows and started to lift him up roughly from the floor.

"What was that, Snivellus? You wanted a hand? Help you up? Sure thing!" James said cheerily as he and Sirius heaved the boy from the floor and promptly dropped him again.

"Oops!" Sirius winced. "Sorry 'bout that, Snivellus, hand must've slipped!"

They didn't bend down or offer to help him up again. They looked at each other and smirked simultaneously before slapping their hands together in a high five.

Remus was already starting to drift off further down the corridor. Sirius went with him, throwing an arm around him, talking loudly. Peter scampered off behind them. James was the last one to go, but he always had to make a scene.

"Catch ya later, Snivelly!" He said jovially, in a seemingly friendly tone.

Snape felt his hands tighten into fists, as he glared down the hallway after their retreating footsteps.

There was a sudden bustle of Gryffindor students coming down from their dorms in their neat Hogwarts uniforms and their scarlet and gold ties. He could hear their giggles and their snickering.

He began to pick up his books again, and as he slowly got to his feet, strained to see through the crowd. From behind and between the shadows and cloaks, he caught a glimpse of her fiery red hair.

"Heeeyy!! Evans!"

"What do you want, Potter?"

"You doin' anything this afternoon?"

"…it's none of your business what I'm doing!"

"I'll buy you a butterbeer if you and me go down to Hogsmeade together!" James' voice carried down the hallway easily and Snape felt himself tremble with anger.

_The nerve of him! That Potter! _He could hardly stand it. He wanted to run down there and hit him.

"…'cause you know all your good looks will be wasted if you keep burying your pretty little face behind all your books and studying your days away like the teacher's pet you are!"

"I'd rather be drowning under a pile of books than go anywhere with you, Potter!" Lily snapped, holding her head up high as she flounced off down the corridor.

Snape couldn't help feeling his heart relax. And as he stood up and dusted off his robe, he let himself smile a tiny smile.

"Sev!"

He looked up from where he was sitting under the tree, absorbed in his Defence Against the Dark Arts textbook. "Hi Lily,"

She was his best friend. She was a Gryffindor, but she was still his best friend. That was the only thing that cancelled out her Gryffindor status. Snape felt his eyes drop back down to his book, his face flushed slightly. That, and the fact that she was Lily.

She sat down next to him, smile on her face. "Whatcha doin', Sev?"

"…reading." was all he said.

He would've liked to look up at her, gaze at her pretty, beaming face. But it was hard. 'cause he found that when he looked straight at her, his face would start to burn and his heart… his heart… it would hurt so much.

Her green eyes suddenly caught something and narrowed in concern. "What happened to your elbow?"

He tensed and began to pull his arm away from her. The sleeve of his robe was rolled up, exposing his pale arm. "Nothing."

Lily pulled a quizzical expression and reached forward to pull his arm towards her. He flinched at her delicate touch and couldn't move. She didn't notice his reaction at all.

"It's just a graze," he said hurriedly, making as if to pull his arm away, but secretly, not minding her touch at all.

"How'd you get it?" She was accusing now, suspicious. Her red hair fell gently down the sides of her face and now her green eyes were looking straight at him, piercing through him and his face was burning, burning, and man, he wanted to disappear, vanish from her gaze, because his chest was hurting, hurting so much and he couldn't breathe and…

"It was Potter and them," he said quickly, his voice angry, jerking his arm away from her. He felt so silly for admitting it to her, as though he couldn't look after himself, as though Potter was always going to be better than him, as though he really was pathetic weak little Snivellus.

But Lily knew him better than that. She wasn't going to coddle him and say sympathetic words that would make him feel useless.

She straightened up and scowled. "That Potter!" She declared, "What a jerk! Him and his little posse of try-hards! They really think they're so cool, don't they? Pushing other people round and sauntering down the corridors like they own the place, honestly! He's so full of himself he can hardly see over puffed-up chest!"

Snape couldn't help it; he let out a little laugh.

Lily looked at him with her pretty green eyes and laughed too. And Snape hoped that he would hear that delightful laugh again in the future. Hoped that he could somehow bottle it away, use some spell to capture it, record it somehow and play it again, over and over.

"_Sev," _she had said, _"Can I borrow your Transfiguration notes? You know I missed class this morning because I had to stay behind and help out the first years with their Charms."_

"_Sure," _He said, and then added, _"With the way you're going, you'll probably make Head Girl when you're in Seventh Year."_

She had grinned. _"You really think so?" _

He nodded sincerely and she giggled, stretching her arms up over her head as she looked upwards at the sky in pure delight. She suddenly turned and looked back at him, her scarlet-lined cloak swishing behind her. _"So can you bring them for me this afternoon? I'll wait outside the Gryffindor tower for you."_

"_Okay," _he said. He knew he couldn't go into their territory. The Fat Lady always pulled faces and muttered curses at him whenever he simply passed by with Lily Evans.

"Okay…" He looked up ahead at him and picked up the pace, tucking his Transfiguration book and his parchments of note carefully into his robes as he weaved his way towards the Gryffindor Tower.

He started climbing up the stairs to the seventh floor, when he caught a glimpse of her red hair and heard her tinkling voice above him. His heart raced as he went faster up the steps, he opened his mouth to call out her name as he stepped onto the landing.

"Hey, Lily!" He called out, his face flushed from his brief run, "I've got your-"

He froze.

That was her, for sure, her and her pretty red hair falling over her shoulders. She was standing there, outside the Gryffindor Tower, as promised. But beside her, was the dark-haired, glasses-wearing boy that she had called a jerk.

They were speaking, and what they were talking about, Snape was too far away to hear, and heck, he didn't want to go any closer, could hardly stand to watch them any longer, wanted to turn and run, but couldn't, couldn't move at all, couldn't pull his eyes away from the scene that was making his chest ache, ache so much, was this what they called having your heart broken?

She had called him a jerk, said that he was an arrogant try-hard, a bully, but… that's right, wasn't it? Girls had a tendency to fall for jerks.

She laughed, giggled slightly, and Snape hated James for being able to make her laugh. James edged closer to Lily and she stared up at him sternly, with a pout on her face, as though about to tell him off.

And he leant down, and she shook her head, blushing, pretending to push him away. But they both knew she didn't mean it. James stepped closer to her and bent down to kiss her.

Snape ran.

Snape turned and ran as fast as he could go, round the corner and down the steps. Thump, thump, thump, his footsteps went down the steps, he didn't know how he managed to not trip over the hem of his robe, how come nobody else could hear the heavy thudding he was making as he ran, and then he realized, _Oh. _That heavy thudding was the sound of his heart crashing against his chest as it broke, broke, broke.

He couldn't stand it, he had to get out, get out, get out of there. He couldn't stand it, the image burned in his mind, the sound of her laughter, her precious, precious laughter, and that lovely smile… And how come… he'd been so mortified and so horrified and so shocked as he ran off so desperately, yet… she never… she never even looked back at him, did she? She never even noticed that he was there, didn't know he had seen them, didn't even turn to see who it was that was thudding down the stairs! She was… she was too busy snogging that… that Potter!

It hurt, it bloody hurt.

As Snape tore through the hallway, burst through the doors of Hogwarts and ran on, no matter how tired he was getting, his legs were dying, he couldn't breathe, but he kept running. He kept going on, out as far as he could go, down the hills, dodging the trees, almost tripping over as he desperately ran on.

This is what it was, right? He thought. This was it, right?

He couldn't breathe anymore, everything hurt too much but at the same time nothing could ever compare to that pain in his chest. He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, dangling from a string in Lily's hands and she had so unknowingly cast it away, flinging it off into the air and breaking it into little pieces.

_Yes, _Snape thought, as he swallowed back bitter tears. This was what love was.

This was what falling so much in love with someone else was like, when you couldn't see clearly anymore, when everything hurt so much, when you know that no matter how much you try, you will never, _ever_ hear her laugh like that for you ever again. When you know that she will never, ever feel the same way for you, even though you gave her all you ever had, even though you knew that you had hardly anything to give.

Why… why would anyone choose to go through such pain, such torment? Snape smiled bitterly to himself as he looked up with hatred at the sky above, its clouds stretching out over him.

Why… would you do something like that?

What was the point? Why give all your time, all your thoughts, all your _heart _to someone else? Why give it all away to someone else, who could so easily, so simply, tear it up to shreds and fling it away into the air, without a thought, a thousand pieces, never to be seen or put together again.

Snape decided never to love.

**The End. **


End file.
